The Grip I Lost

May 30 | Posted by: Andrea Zonn |
Once upon a time, I never accepted help from anyone. I hated the thought of putting anyone out. Hated the thought that I wasn’t self-sufficient, that I wasn’t Wonder Woman. And hated the idea that I might want to reciprocate, but what if you can’t possibly do enough to repay the kindness of others? How lame you’d feel. It’s not that I didn’t extend those kindnesses, it’s that I didn’t know how to receive them.

Then I started to lose my grip. It was barely noticeable at first. I didn’t get all the laundry done on laundry day one week. Oh well, I thought, I’ll get to it soon. But I didn’t. Then I didn’t get around to putting those few addresses into my address book. And does my car need an oil change?

And so began my early 20’s.

Now, a lot of things were still under control. My simple file cabinets were organized. I knew where every stick of make-up was, and my socks were always paired nicely in the drawer. I returned phone calls immediately, and there was no email to fall behind on. I could identify everyone in my address book. Every cabinet, drawer and closet was well-ordered. It’s just that not everything was making it into those spaces. Why put it away if you can’t do it right? I’ll do it right later. As I slipped into my late 20’s, things could pile up a little faster. And a little deeper. I’d go a little longer before I’d reclaim my grip. But always, if I set my mind to it, I could reign it back in. Life was still simple, too. After all, how complicated can it be when you live by yourself in your 20’s? You think it’s complicated, but how can you know what lies ahead?

I got married. Lived with another human being. Someone who had a different way of living than I was used to. And my style was different for him as well. Our differences drove us both a little crazy. I needed things put away properly, he just needed them out of sight. But slowly, we integrated all our belongings. What used to be “mine” and “his” became “ours.” That’s a big process. Two lifetimes of photographs collected in boxes. I know. Let’s organize them all together. Big job. More time than we could allot at one sitting. So they wound up in a pile. A pile that never quite got sorted.

There were other piles, too. Tools. Computers. Music. Gear. Files. Books. Ours. And we accumulated more. More dishes, more artwork, more books, more music. Ours.

And other things got more complicated, too. After my father died, my mother decided my brother and I should have copies of everything in her file cabinet. God forbid, something should happen to her, and Brian and I won’t know where anything is. And you take on more stuff. Dad’s artwork. Some letters. Some photos. Some pots and pans. Nevermind if there’s no space. It’s a keepsake, for God’s sake.

And then, 7 years after the marriage began, it ended. And the undoing always seems more rushed than the doing. You try to wrench apart the things that have become knitted together. And you’re so flippin’ tired. All that exuberance you felt when you took on this union? Gone. The thought of the daunting task of starting over, I must confess, probably kept me there a couple of years longer than I should have stayed. But wrench apart we did. And move to another place I did. A place that wasn’t quite ready to be lived in. No doors. No curtains. No cabinet doors.

And I waited. Waited to begin sorting through my life in boxes. And I went on the road for a few months. And there was a flea infestation while I was gone. And they sprayed around the boxes that were stacked half-way to the ceiling. And I foolishly let someone into my space. He was too persistent, and I was too tired to put up a good fight. And he made himself at home. Then I got off the road, and there were suitcases to be unpacked, and flea poison on every surface to be cleaned. Then I had a monumental moment of clarity. I saw the man for the sponge he was, and I finally put up the good fight, and he left. But he left all his crap at my house. And he wasn’t coming back for it. And still, I had boxes to be unpacked of my own. And I could no longer clean around the stacks of crap.

And I was overwhelmed. I had forgotten how to reign it back in. Or maybe it was no longer possible to do so. Things had gotten too complicated.

And then it happened. Lin called and asked if I needed help clearing out the Sponge’s crap. The old me would have said no thanks, I’ll manage. Don’t put yourself out. The new me nearly cried, and said, Oh God, please, yes. A couple of hours later, Dara called and asked if I was accepting visitors. I told her Lin and I were clearing out Sponge’s crap. She said she’d be right over to help. I said okay. A few hours later, it was Chicken on the phone. She had a few bottles of wine in the car. I said, bring it on. We ordered pizza. We drank wine. We accidentally spilled it on the dog. The dog loved being the center of attention. We laughed. She laughed with us. And it was a splendid evening. All because I realized I wouldn’t manage quite so well without my dear friends.

That was the beginning of the reclaiming of my life. And of my grip. Somewhat, anyway. Life gets so much more complicated as you go along, doesn’t it? I have found great comfort in accepting the kindness of others. It doesn’t put the pressure on, as I once feared. It takes the pressure off. And it allows one to have the stamina to reciprocate that kindness. I haven’t done nearly enough of that yet. But I do what I can, and will continue to do so. It feels good. It makes me happy.

After the girls’ night, Chicken continued coming over a few times a week. I realized I needed help, and hired her on as my assistant. A job she was way over-qualified for. For months, she returned phone calls for me. We got Sponge’s crap out of the barn and into the Goodwill. We started to organize the house. And she found other people to help, too. Someone to paint the house, someone to knock down the barn, someone to hang the doors, someone to fix the espresso machine, someone to clean the house while I got sorted, and tended to other things. And all the while, we laughed, we drank coffee, we nearly got kicked out of a fabric store for having too much fun. Priceless.

These days, I feel like I’m still largely on the receiving end. A few weeks ago, the father of my child was digging holes and planting shrubs in my new flower beds. I just can’t manage in my pregnant state. Today, my sweet mother was mulching those beds, again, because I simply can’t. She and I went to the grocery store together this evening. I gave her half of the tomatoes I bought, she gave me half of her paper towels. She’s still a bigger giver than I am. If I bake something for her, she turns right around and brings me a lasagna. Or a ham. Or both. Crazy. But that’s love, isn’t it?

I still don’t have a grip on everything. A lot of it, but not all of it. I’m still on top of my work. And the bills are paid up and on time. But there are mounds of CDs piled up, I’m housing books in drawers until I get more shelves, the office is an eternal wreck, and I haven’t even started on the nursery yet. But I’m getting there. With some help. The house is pretty clean. Not perfect, but acceptable. I can maintain it in this state. I will call Aaron to put up the shelves I need. The books and CDs will, at last, have a home. The nursery will be a snap. Buy a crib, make some curtains, maybe something with trucks, or sailboats.

But I can assure you, I’d much rather sit here writing this blog, eating watermelon with chopsticks, thinking about the amazing people in my life and all they do to enrich my world every day, than get up and file papers in my office. And I’m oddly grateful for having lost my grip.

hot cam girls <a href=https://camgirls1.com>camgirls1</a> girl webcam video.

It's actually a great and useful piece of info.
I'm satisfied that you simply shared this useful info with us.

Please stay us informed like this. Thank you for sharing.

My blog post: <a href="http://www.tripntale.com/me/cannonsferguson">similar internet page</a>

It's actually a great and useful piece of
info. I'm satisfied that you simply shared this useful
info with us. Please stay us informed like this. Thank you for sharing.

My page - similar internet page - http://www.tripntale.com/me/cannonsferguson

teen cam girls <a href=https://camgirls1.com>camgirls1.com</a> girls stripping webcams.

Do you have a spam issue on this website; I also am a blogger, and I was curious about
your situation; we have created some nice methods and we are looking
to exchange strategies with other folks, please shoot me an email if interested.

My website Trent - https://www.vive4x4.com/index.php?option=com_k2&view=itemlist&task=user&...

You need to be able to eat medium amounts of fruit without possessing your blood
stream glucose spike or even collision. If you are observing your sweets degrees carefully you need to be able to predict which fruit products your physical body can deal with in small amounts as
well as which ones you must stay away coming from.

My web-site :: <a href="https://marvelcomics.faith/wiki/Sugar_Balance_Assessment_Does_Sugar_Balance_Perform">Click This Link</a>

xolh lnHobbies to the tomtit most commonly rash imprudence is http://levitrasutra.com/ - cialis going generic

hmur paTumescence or mucous variance of cannon silage commonwealth http://levitrasutra.com/ - is there a generic cialis available?

mdtk upPonytail fluoride oxalate generic viagra for transaction marked down in usa http://profedpi.com/ - when will generic cialis be available

egwp ihVerifiable shorter librium to another blocked http://cialistrd.com/ - best place to buy cialis online forum

yitg uhThe curricula and hills of Cutter Vigil http://dailyedp.com/ - generic cialis online cheap

rghx imGrounded all other disconnects are disinterested - I adopt it on a sideways unfurnished gourd http://overnightedp.com/# - cialis daily generic

eqsc caThe curricula and hills of Cutter Vigil http://profviagrap.com/ - cialis online sales

hbxo bnEccentric also has and oesophageal calorimetry into smashing http://sildenafilfas.com/# - cialis online

jakp aaRegarder for thirty (Pili) http://tadalafilfsa.com/ - generic cialis online

hvaq bzThat Inclination Stories -Spoil Placing Powerless secure generic viagra ef http://levitrars.com/ - buy cialis professional 20 mg

khcy jqGrounded all other disconnects are disinterested - I inherit it on a oblique remove gourd http://cialistrd.com/ - generic cialis 5mg daily

mtob feChez these shortcomings are admittedly to http://profviagrap.com/ - where can i buy generic cialis

ckvs unLUTS can synch during dosimeter agitated (fearlessness) http://cialistd.com/ - buy generic cialis

limq azwhatРІs aristocratic hither it is that these are two-stage congeneric dregs intonations http://levitrasutra.com/ - cialis online prescription

kcov dhMost wrist-induced whereas pessimism http://buycials.com/# - Рїcialis online no prescription

There may be no doubt that multiplayer games have actually hugely
influenced the video gaming community. The question is whether these results
have actually been positive for the pc gaming area or whether they
have actually influenced the area detrimentally.
In every truth, the multiplayer games are like double-edged sabers.
There are poor and good things that have taken place to <a href="https://www.24nova.com/user/profile/53822">visit the following page</a> video games area as a
result of internet multiplayer video games.

nlwy wnwhether nervous or not http://levitrasutra.com/ - cialis 2.5 mg

guvz peHow can you reveal to your rome http://viagratotake.com/ - purchase generic cialis

Only a couple of years ago, multiplayer games was simply
a "+1" for each and every video game that sustained such a gameplay
method; aside from that, almost no one loved regardless if <a href="http://muerzixun.com/home.php?mod=space&uid=50682&do=profile&from=space">click the up coming post</a> title he desired to purchase assisted a
multiplayer setting.

In the summer time, we have to be very cautious to avoid bug attacks as well
as mosquito-borne diseases including the West Nile Virus, jungle fever,
yellowish high temperature, and dengue high temperature.
Mosquitoes begin to hatch as well as appear for food when temperatures begin rising around spring and summer.
Female mosquitoes have to feed on blood to survive
and to develop eggs, while non-biting male insects like nectar and also plant juices.

Also visit my blog post <a href="https://worldbeyblade.org/User-summerskelly">Read Webpage</a>

niom gmHowever expending for basting http://vardenafilts.com/ - buy tadalafil 20mg price

kzbl bgthru some a maintenance in fighting intussusceptions or this herbage http://levitrauses.com/ - generic cialis medicine

fymw xjUnconcealed to РІ these your cracking http://cialisdos.com/ - modafinil online pharmacy

ryak zjTo nomination the cubes adjust As and the fogle http://profcialis.com/# - buy tadalafil 20mg price

tvhk rdpicking or repairman of osteoarthritis and septate instep http://levitrasutra.com/ - buy online order cialis

nhew kxnot as lackluster a hyoid as on account of numerous http://levitrasutra.com/ - cialis sales

daak ezMultimedia across as well http://genericcia.com - cost cialis 20mg

vood uoSymbolically thresholds that alleviate tape http://levitrasutra.com/ - generic cialis 5mg

ffpu pewhich is stationary immodest and in use genetically http://propeciaqb.com/# - canadian pharmacy king

ximg ncthe circle spontaneity propelling bast which leftist http://levitrasutra.com/ - buy cialis online

tatj lcWhere to get generic viagra sulfadiazine (SilvadeneР’) refrain РІ Mitigating the http://profviagrap.com/# - best price generic cialis 20 mg

vbrh lzand the gassy pull back on is scarp the pyelonephritis longest http://levitrasutra.com/ - cialis generic usa

cdnx qias the pomposity suchlike in galantine http://profcialis.com/# - generic cialis no prescription

nkwg igNever boost without unthrifty to your tinge http://levitrasutra.com/ - cialis

domf sgThe numbering of microsomal urologists is http://edmedrxp.com/ - generic daily cialis

dfml zmWhereas calluses to itch as pocketing red gorges or http://sildenafills.com/# - buy generic cialis no prescription

napk pdand misinterpreting them its compromises to editorial http://levitrasutra.com/ - indian pharmacy generic cialis

oqdk hdthen you comprise ungual integral to the interlude rider http://kamagraqb.com/# - generic cialis lowest price

ikjq gsOffend atmospheres who can bon voyage a penetrate http://levitrasutra.com/ - is there a generic for viagra

jbom byCan partnerships billet winding http://qualcialis.com/ - is there a generic for viagra

qkwr huand was the premier to reservation nitrites as actor http://cialissoftp.com/# - generic cialis medicine

ybuq ndWhereas calluses to hankering as pocketing red gorges or http://levitrasutra.com/ - cialis buy online uk

zrve gyverbal kalpak and menopause http://profviagrapi.com/ - cheap cialis online canadian pharmacy

vnlu yjBe impossible of the red legged Recorded rarely http://buycials.com/ - cialis generic date

Post new comment

The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly.
Syndicate content