The Look

Jun 2 | Posted by: Andrea Zonn |

My sweet miracle child, the one I never thought I would be lucky enough to have, had brain surgery yesterday.  Easily the most terrifying thing I have ever faced.  


I got pregnant the old-fashioned way – out of wedlock.  Maybe this doesn’t have the stigma it once had, but it’s still a revelation that’s most often met with raised eyebrows.  It’s also certainly not how I ever imagined having a child.  But when you’re divorced, 37, and life presents you with such a surprise, you see it for the remarkable gift it is.


When I was carrying this child, I had an overwhelming, unwavering sense of him.  Not just the little body inside of me, but his whole self, his ways, his humor, his mind.  His spirit.  I knew him.  I wasn’t completely surprised when he waved to me in an early ultrasound.  I wasn’t completely surprised when I saw the faces of my brother and father peering (was that a grin?) at me in the last ultrasound.  I was amazed, but not surprised, when I felt him responding to music I participated in, in utero.  I got tickled, literally and figuratively, when I felt his fingers grasping at my pelvic bones in utero.  So I was absolutely not surprised when he emerged from my open belly, arms flailing wildly, cursing the cold air, the light and the sound, conducting his new symphony of life.  I heard that music.  And I know he did, too.


And I knew that no earth-entering soul in his right mind would choose to come in as he did, under these circumstances, with this mother and father, unless he did so knowing that I was the right choice.  His father was, too, but that’s their story.


When Leonard was a day old, I told the pediatrician that he was gifted.  Again, that raised eyebrow.  I said it because every mother probably says that about her children, and I thought I was being funny.  But deep down, I also meant it.  Leonard proved me right when he, among other things, started blinking his eyes in metronomic time at 4 days old.  You may not believe me, but Lin witnessed it, equally astonished.  He proved me right, when among other things, he started not only speaking, but amassing a huge vocabulary at 10 months.  He proved me right when he showed me he could sing pitches back to me at 5 months.  And again when he started writing songs at a year and half, toy guitar in hand.  True, the first one’s lyrics consisted of the lines, “no, no, no. yeah, yeah.”  But the song had a consistent melody, and a groove.  And again, when at just over two years old, he was speaking in mostly full and complete sentences, with careful enunciation.  My father would call that a proper command of the English language, something he thought was essential in life.  He would be dazzled by this grandson of his.


Above and beyond his smarts, Leonard is endowed with a beautiful spirit.  He’s an old soul, and I can’t remember a time when he wasn’t setting out to win the world over, one person at a time.  At times, it’s been hard for him to understand that not everyone shares this enthusiasm, but he seems to have escaped the indifference of the curmudgeons relatively unscathed.  So far.


I don’t know what he came here to do, but I can’t shake the feeling that he’ll be one to watch.  And despite the bragadocious tone of all the above, I have no vested interest in whatever it is he chooses.  I know that if I’m attentive and attuned as a mother, he’ll be better able to find the path that resonates with him, and where he is meant to find his place.  To do anything well and with integrity is important.  And my job as the mommy is support him well in this mission.


These days, every baby gadget, large or small, comes factory-equipped with an electronic music box.  These are horrid things that are bad to begin with, but get more and more out of tune as the batteries wear down, with ill-rendered, inaccurate snippets of “popular” children’s tunes, and more offensively, classical music.  If these were well-done, and the sounds even vaguely approximated an actual instrument, it might be tolerable.  But it simply is not.  Go ahead.  Call me a snob.  But as I see it, babies, toddlers and children are just the earliest targets in the current trend that is “the dumbing down of society.”


Leonard was not fooled.  The first of these many music boxes we encountered was included in a beautiful bassinet.  I laid my infant down.  I pushed the button.  Upon hearing this wretched sound, he started to cry.  The cruelest joke?  No off switch.  And the damned things are bolted on like they’re indispensible, critical to proper operation.  Of a bassinet.   Inevitably, another well-intentioned family member eventually pushed the button, and had I not removed Leonard, he would have hurled himself over the edge in an effort to escape.  To say he hated those music boxes is an understatement.  Lesson learned?  Leonard doesn’t cotton condescension.


I had already known that about him on an intuitive level, so I took that cue as confirmation, and vowed that I would always be mindful in the way that we communicated.  I sensed, even in those early days, that Leonard could understand my words, that if I just spoke the truth, he would hear it.  As I spoke, he would listen, looking at my face intently.  Not mystified, but somehow making sense of me.  And as his language skills have evolved, I’ve known to hear his truth.  When we were in Japan, and these then-mysterious headaches were new, and after two visits to doctors and two visits from an acupuncturist, my exhausted little man cried to me, “Mommy.  I’m tired, my head hurts, I want to go home, I need a doctor.”


And so began our dialogue about these headaches.  I listened to him when he told me he needed medicine.  The first time they had to draw blood, he listened to me when in the midst of his cries of pain, I told him, “It’s not going to get worse than this.”  His cries stopped immediately.  He paced himself.


If only we could all know that in life.  In the throes of adversity, at that worst moment, if only we could hear that voice saying “it’s not going to get worse than this.”  I’ve been listening with everything in me since early April, but I haven’t heard that voice, surely because God knew I didn’t really need to hear it.  He knows that He endowed with the ability to breathe through it.  But I sure wanted it.  Pacing oneself through the unknown is excruciating and exhausting.  To say one can handle it should never be confused with the notion that it’s easy.





There’s learning.  But learning and knowledge are not interchangeable ideas.  What I’ve observed in these last months is that there’s an experiential element that’s critical to building that bridge.  At least once, anyway, just to prove the theory.  You learn things, amassing information.  To put them into a context is where the knowledge occurs.  You have to be able to trust the process.  As I tried to process all the information I was getting in this most terrifying new scenario, I was able to sift my knowledge into three categories: my intellectual knowledge, my intuitive knowledge, and my fears.  Once upon a time, I believed that if you were enlightened enough, you could escape fear, that you could actually banish the thought.  The man I studied under in seminary used to laugh when I would propose this idea.  “Andrea, if any of us were that spiritually evolved,” he would say, “there would be no need to stay here.  We’d sprout wings and fly off to the next place.”  And now I know that not only is that not possible in the face of something this scary, but that it’s not necessary.  I’ve never been the mommy at a time like this before.  Intellectually, I knew that Leonard was in the right place, in the right doctor’s hands, and that this very invasive surgery was the only way to eliminate this problem.  Intuitively, I knew that things would unfold as they were intended to, as God would have it.  And I knew that surely, such a remarkable child couldn’t be here for such a short time.  Oh, wait, that was my intellect again.  For I know too many parents who have lost remarkable children far too early.  At any rate, I couldn’t shake the fear.  As soon as I would push it aside, it would sneak back in again.  I found my bottom line.  I could handle all of this, but I needed Leonard to wake up.  That’s it, God.  Just please make sure he wakes up.


In my almost 41 years, I’ve learned a lot.  About myself, about my intuition, about relationships, about work, about the world…  For me, there is one requirement to bring all of these seemingly disjointed things to common ground.  Love.  If you can learn to approach your experience from this place, if you can learn to sift through the insanity that would keep us from knowing peace, if you can simply and relentlessly pursue and sustain a relationship with the Divine, then finding peace is possible.  This is not easily done, but it’s more than worth the price of admission.


(to be continued…)

where can i buy cialis <a href="">cialis price</a> cialis purchase

cialis prescriptions - generic cialis dosage

male enhancement products - 100mg viagra
viagra price comparison <a href=>buy viagra generic</a> viagra cost per pill

rooms teen chats <a href=""></a> cams mature free
camelbak mouth piece <a href=""></a> hairy fat girls
male webcam masturbation <a href=""></a> male shower cams
random webcam sites <a href=""></a> teen voyeur cams
real life free cams <a href=""></a> chat home chat rooms teen
best teen cams <a href=""></a> chat gay usa
small loans corinth ms <a href=""></a> short term loans for people with bad credit
bad credit online loans <a href=""></a> what you need to get a loan
midflorida holiday payday loan <a href=""></a> holiday loans trius 2020
searches chat rooms teen <a href=""></a> totally free cams
live free porn chat <a href=""></a> cam girl free
milena campanelli shemale vids <a href=""></a> camming
real live voyeur cams <a href=""></a> cameltoe image
my free cams teens <a href=""></a> dildo on webcam
hidden cam sex at work <a href=""></a> sex scene cameron diaz
personal loan lenders for people with bad credit <a href=""></a> webloan
payday loans in 15 mins <a href=""></a> personal loan with bad credit score
postal holiday loans <a href=""></a> holiday loans memphis tn
free amateur webcam porn videos <a href=""></a> my free web cam
free online chat rooms adult <a href=""></a> spy cam sex massage
chat rooms teen caht <a href=""></a> japanese teen cams
real free live cams <a href=""></a> black girls with camel toes
sex hidden cam <a href=""></a> pantyhose webcam show
free adult webcam chat no registration <a href=""></a> naked cam videos
quick installment loans bad credit <a href=""></a> easy approval personal loans
pay loan online <a href=""></a> personal loans with bankruptcy
$500 christmas loan <a href=""></a> red river holiday loan
free bbw webcam models <a href=""></a> adult webcam chats
gay and lesbian chat <a href=""></a> live milf cams
kristen cameron milf <a href=""></a> watch sex cams
free live private sex cams <a href=""></a> webcam teen chat chat rooms
watch cams free <a href=""></a> teen sluts on camera
ebony webcam <a href=""></a> 321 free teen video chatroom
installment loans for poor credit direct lenders <a href=""></a> real loans for bad credit
how to get a personal loan <a href=""></a> get a loan without a bank account
letter to bank for loan for christmas <a href=""></a> christmas loan with poor credit
hellometro youtube teen chatrooms <a href=""></a> teen nude web cams
anti gay campaign <a href=""></a> webcam sites reviews
free adult home webcams <a href=""></a> sexy black cams
real free sex cams <a href=""></a> adult cam site
naked sex cam <a href=""></a> webcam girl flashes
my free cams profile help <a href=""></a> granny spy cam
$1500 loan <a href=""></a> cash advance lender
pay day loan calgary <a href=""></a> 2000 dollar loan
holiday loans fayetteville nc <a href=""></a> fccu holiday loan
into teen chatting which sites <a href=""></a> my free video cams
mode shiny pantyhose webcam sex author <a href=""></a> live new orleans web cams
ameteur slut loves to get fucked on cameron <a href=""></a> miss my free cams
adult sex webcams <a href=""></a> girl cumming on webcam
free sex web cam <a href=""></a> skinny teen on webcam
live sex cams guys <a href=""></a> pantyhose webcam results
where to get a loan with no credit <a href=""></a> payday loans in houston
loans for bad credit in az <a href=""></a> best bank for a personal loan
holiday loan sale <a href=""></a> riverland fcu holiday loan

natural cure for ed viagra coupons

viagra paypal in australia <a href="">generic viagra soft tabs</a> online pharmacy viagra dapoxetine

mens erection pills - price of viagra
viagra coupon <a href=>buy cheap viagra</a> viagra

teen girls live on webcams <a href=""></a> new orlean web cams
webcam strip boobs ass teen <a href=""></a> female shower cams
porn chat bot <a href=""></a> live hardcore sex cams
sex cams cheap <a href=""></a> xxx gay cams
hidden spy sex cams <a href=""></a> webcams ebony teen girl angel
free live street cams <a href=""></a> free adult live cam chat
installment loan example <a href=""></a> bad credit loans in ohio
payday loans huntington beach ca <a href=""></a> personal loans com
cp federal holiday loan <a href=""></a> student loan christmas
safe teen chats <a href=""></a> free gay teen cams
chat nylon girls nylon <a href=""></a> big tit cam girls
joanna thomas webcam fuck <a href=""></a> ameture sex cams
cams wife <a href=""></a> russian girl webcam
free adult webcam chatroom <a href=""></a> lesbian webcam free
ssbbw live cam <a href=""></a> fun back into teen chatting
$800 loan <a href=""></a> payday loans chicago
easy cash advance <a href=""></a> tribal installment lenders
does navient delay loans on holiday <a href=""></a> genfed holiday quick loan
camera in the pussy <a href=""></a> couples sex web cams
rooms free christian teen chat <a href=""></a> anonymous sex cams
several teen chat rooms to <a href=""></a> video chat
nude live cams free <a href=""></a> bikini camel toe
emo cam girls <a href=""></a> maia campbell sex tapes
free web cams xxx <a href=""></a> girls youngest teens cam hot
should i consolidate my loans <a href=""></a> personal loans columbus ohio
cash loans in va <a href=""></a> instalment loans online
mdoes my holiday loan install malware to phone <a href=""></a> christmas loans with no credit check
teen chat rooms for younger <a href=""></a> webcam sites review
private sex cams <a href=""></a> best live sex cam
live cams naked <a href=""></a> real spy cam sex
free sex cams <a href=""></a> en la cama sex scene
cam girl websites <a href=""></a> hidden cam sex scandal
alexis my free cams <a href=""></a> gay chat and date
top ten personal loans <a href=""></a> advance check loans
affordable loan company <a href=""></a> how to get approved for a loan
i need an urgent holiday season loan <a href=""></a> live holiday loan check bank
free gay video sex chat <a href=""></a> mature ladies masturbating hidden cams
free webcam to webcam sex <a href=""></a> banga sex cams
hidden camra sex videos <a href=""></a> best cam girl
swx chat <a href=""></a> allchatsites free private teen video
webcam chat for adults <a href=""></a> camy hentai
indian live sex cam <a href=""></a> cam fuck
personal loans st louis mo <a href=""></a> quick online loans for bad credit
loans in arizona <a href=""></a> apply for personal loan
merry christmas you old building and loan christmas card <a href=""></a> loan places in holiday fl
local gay phone chat <a href=""></a> hd live porn cams
gay teen chat ave <a href=""></a> bbw on bbw
cams hairy teen cams <a href=""></a> free webcam porn
free gay chat rooms <a href=""></a> inc webcam girls teen cam
cam girl xxx <a href=""></a> amber campisi nude video
free naked live cams <a href=""></a> european teen girls cam
debt consolidation loans for poor credit <a href=""></a> i need money now bad credit
i need 2000 dollars fast <a href=""></a> cash loans in va
holiday loans fayetteville nc saving account <a href=""></a> christmas loan direct lender georgia

online doctor prescription for viagra <a href=" ">generic viagra</a> viagra 100mg
online canadian drugstore - where to buy viagra online
buy generic 100mg viagra online <a href=>generic viagra online</a> otc viagra

historical research proposal <a href="">buy online essays</a> college essay subjects

generic viagra <a href=" ">viagra 100mg</a> buying viagra online
medicine for ed viagra coupons
buy generic 100mg viagra online <a href=>buy viagra generic</a> where can i buy viagra

viagra without a prescription <a href=" ">how much will generic viagra cost</a> viagra over the counter usa 2020
viagra without a doctor prescription walmart - how much does viagra cost
goodrx viagra <a href=>buy cheap viagra</a> viagra coupons

online viagra prescription <a href=" ">generic viagra</a> mail order viagra
comparison of ed drugs viagra online canadian pharmacy
viagra online <a href=>cheap viagra</a> viagra price comparison

cialis tablets - <a href="">generic cialis</a> discount cialis no rx

friends guide teen chat sites <a href=""></a> free webcam sex show
public nylon became one <a href=""></a> top web cam girl
lesbian on webcam <a href=""></a> webcam sex chat
best free adult webcams <a href=""></a> cam pantyhose sex movies
ny free cams <a href=""></a> live porn cam
absolutly free web cams <a href=""></a> hot girl webcam strip
debt consolidation credit card <a href=""></a> long term cash loans
cash advance online reviews <a href=""></a> social security loan
regional financial holiday loan <a href=""></a> 2 broke girls - season 4 episode 7 - and a loan for christmas
amateur lesbian webcam <a href=""></a> ts sex cams
to chinese teen webcams double <a href=""></a> asian ladyboy cams
nude gay webcams <a href=""></a> cams black diamond
shemale live cams <a href=""></a> stories gay camp
is my free cams safe <a href=""></a> teen sex on cam
blue man group shows 2016 <a href=""></a> gothic teen chat
where can i apply for a loan <a href=""></a> long term personal loans for bad credit
personnal loan <a href=""></a> personal loans for debt consolidation
credit.union holiday loan bad credit <a href=""></a> merry christmas savings and loans
voyeur free cam <a href=""></a> asian free cams
webcam sexy teen in bra <a href=""></a> male sex cams
white submissive crossdresser will pose free for female webcam on long island <a href=""></a> free live sex cams free
shemale cam sites <a href=""></a> ebony cam
free cams no sign up <a href=""></a> gay dating sites with chat
gay cams for free <a href=""></a> report video teen orgasm webcam
loan consolidation companies <a href=""></a> loan without cosigner
bad credit loans nc <a href=""></a> loans places near me
who doing christmas loans 2020 in paduach ky <a href=""></a> christmas loans spokane wa
lingerie camel toe <a href=""></a> free live sex cams free
free online porn chat rooms <a href=""></a> free live webcam girls
tags hairy teen cams hairy <a href=""></a> allbbwcam
live cams hd <a href=""></a> celebrity fat camp
bbw webcam girls <a href=""></a> emily vancamp nude
adult cam sites free <a href=""></a> adult chat room sites
get loan bad credit <a href=""></a> payday loans abilene tx
payday loans hilo <a href=""></a> installment loans for bad credit not payday loans
online christmas loans <a href=""></a> secured holiday loans
sex chat asian <a href=""></a> real nanny cam sex
college teen on cam panties <a href=""></a> live sex cams chat
shemale camila decastro <a href=""></a> cam chat rooms adult
online free sex cams <a href=""></a> teen planet videos webcam girls
sex cams mature <a href=""></a> black teens 18 porn chat
tottaly free cams <a href=""></a> teen lesbain chat rooms
loan with low interest <a href=""></a> loans in killeen tx
fast little loans online <a href=""></a> loans in texarkana
jay holiday loan officer denver colorado <a href=""></a> a christmas movie with a savinga and loan
spy cam nude <a href=""></a> free webcam sex video
free adult web cam chat sites <a href=""></a> big beatiful women
your naughty nylon sex cam games <a href=""></a> chat cams sex
amatuer cam sites <a href=""></a> teen chat net nice chatrooms
absolutely free adult webcams <a href=""></a> cameron diaz tits
my asian cams <a href=""></a> gay chatrooms for teens
rental loans <a href=""></a> a payday loan
loans for poor credit <a href=""></a> where to get a loan with no credit
pickens savings and loans holiday schedule <a href=""></a> h and h block holiday loan

20 mg cialis dose - brand cialis

writing essay service <a href="">english language essay writing</a> essay writing for beginners

anti fungal pills without prescription can you buy viagra over the counter

viagra canada <a href=" ">generic for viagra</a> how to get viagra without a doctor
erectile dysfunction treatment - viagra online canada
buy viagra online usa <a href=>buy viagra online</a> where can i buy viagra

viagra without a doctor prescription - non prescription viagra
viagra generic <a href=>generic viagra</a> buy real viagra online

male dysfunction treatment buy generic viagra

buy viagra online <a href=" ">buy viagra online</a> viagra walmart
sildenafil without a doctor's prescription cheapest generic viagra
viagra without prescription <a href=>cheap viagra</a> generic name for viagra

healthy man viagra 40 for $99 <a href=>sex tables for man</a> viagra strengths viagra how young is too young real videos of viagra hospital

essay online service <a href="">about essay writing</a> websites that do your homework for you

drug prices comparison - order viagra online
viagra canada <a href=>buy cheap viagra</a> generic viagra online for sale

essay writing 350 words on love <a href="">help writing my dissertation</a> college application essay about yourself

what to avoid with viagra <a href=>can women take viagra what happens</a> will viagra work with low testosterone does viagra lower blood presure

history essay help <a href="">buy a dissertation paper</a> writing essays games

how was viagra invented how to get rid of a headache caused by viagra <a href=>does viagra make you harder</a> is it safe to take 150 mg of viagra?

compare ed drugs viagra prescription

viagra prescription online <a href=" ">cheap viagra</a> cheapest viagra online
buy ed drugs online - generic viagra
non prescription viagra [url=]buy viagra online[/url] cheap viagra online canadian pharmacy

best price generic tadalafil - canadian generic cialis <a href="">mail cialis</a>

viagra <a href=" ">cheap viagra</a> viagra generic
how can i order prescription drugs without a doctor generic viagra india
how to buy viagra [url=]buy cheap viagra[/url] viagra 100mg

Wow! Finally I got a website from where I can genuinely take valuable information concerning my study and knowledge.

My website: <a href="">going here</a>

best canadian online pharmacy - viagra no prescription
buy viagra online [url=]buy viagra generic[/url] generic name for viagra

funny viagra commercial <a href=>viagra sex time</a> crushed viagra reddit how long does viagra last 100mg can you crush a viagra

non prescription viagra <a href=" ">buy viagra generic</a> viagra pills
is it illegal to buy prescription drugs online - viagra cost per pill
generic viagra without a doctor prescription [url=]cheap viagra[/url] cheap viagra online canadian pharmacy

plump lesbians [url=]shaved camel toes[/url] to yuma 321 teen chat.
lana rain my free cams [url=]camgirl live[/url] camwithher girls nude.
free cam porn [url=]gay sex cam[/url] vintage camera shops.
small fast loans [url=]need a loan fast[/url] bad credit loans georgia.
applying for a loan with bad credit [url=]debt consolidation help[/url] cash loans houston tx.
holiday loan johnstown pa [url=]loans for christmas no credit checks[/url] best christmas loan promotions.
short term payday loans direct lenders [url=]second chance personal loans with bad credit[/url] quick money.
top ten personal loans [url=]debt consolidation credit card[/url] need loan fast.
natwest business loan repayment holiday [url=]how to ask for holiday period for loan from indian bank[/url] holiday loans no credit check junction city ks.

best webcam sex [url=]chat live cam[/url] girls nude camp.
live cams voyeur [url=]hairy sex cams[/url] i have a camel cock.
totally free live sex cams [url=]bbw solo webcam[/url] chatting chat teen chat teen.
loans for poor people [url=]unsecure loans[/url] holiday money.
get cash loan now [url=]loans in florida[/url] a loan with bad credit.
fsd1 holiday loans [url=]get a christmas loan with bad credit[/url] christmas loans bad credit cincinnati ohio.
500 fast cash [url=]max loan[/url] credit loan.
loans florence sc [url=]places to get loans near me[/url] real installment loans for bad credit.
home savings and loan holiday schedule [url=]christmas anticipation loan[/url] you can pay down a student loan at christmas charisse jones.

best canadian online pharmacy viagra walmart

natural treatments for ed - viagra cost
online viagra prescription [url=]buy viagra online[/url] is there a generic for viagra

is viagra over the counter <a href=" ">buy viagra</a> buy viagra
tadalafil without a doctor's prescription is there a generic for viagra
viagra amazon [url=]buy viagra[/url] viagra cost

ed in young men viagra professional

speech writing for students <a href="">custom research paper writing</a> write an assignment

buying viagra online <a href=" ">buy viagra</a> viagra without a doctor prescription usa
erectile dysfunction treatment - how much will generic viagra cost
how much viagra should i take the first time? [url=]non prescription viagra[/url] generic viagra online

homework <a href="">writing a comparison contrast essay</a> essay slate

google essay writer <a href="">essay writing service usa</a> buy essay online safe

online casino gambling - free slots <a href="">online casino games for real money</a>

Интересная новость
[url=]iddaa bu hafta en çok oynanan maçlar [/url]

Bath repairs in Khimki [url=][/url]

Post new comment

The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly.
Syndicate content