The Look

Jun 2 | Posted by: Andrea Zonn |

My sweet miracle child, the one I never thought I would be lucky enough to have, had brain surgery yesterday.  Easily the most terrifying thing I have ever faced.  


I got pregnant the old-fashioned way – out of wedlock.  Maybe this doesn’t have the stigma it once had, but it’s still a revelation that’s most often met with raised eyebrows.  It’s also certainly not how I ever imagined having a child.  But when you’re divorced, 37, and life presents you with such a surprise, you see it for the remarkable gift it is.


When I was carrying this child, I had an overwhelming, unwavering sense of him.  Not just the little body inside of me, but his whole self, his ways, his humor, his mind.  His spirit.  I knew him.  I wasn’t completely surprised when he waved to me in an early ultrasound.  I wasn’t completely surprised when I saw the faces of my brother and father peering (was that a grin?) at me in the last ultrasound.  I was amazed, but not surprised, when I felt him responding to music I participated in, in utero.  I got tickled, literally and figuratively, when I felt his fingers grasping at my pelvic bones in utero.  So I was absolutely not surprised when he emerged from my open belly, arms flailing wildly, cursing the cold air, the light and the sound, conducting his new symphony of life.  I heard that music.  And I know he did, too.


And I knew that no earth-entering soul in his right mind would choose to come in as he did, under these circumstances, with this mother and father, unless he did so knowing that I was the right choice.  His father was, too, but that’s their story.


When Leonard was a day old, I told the pediatrician that he was gifted.  Again, that raised eyebrow.  I said it because every mother probably says that about her children, and I thought I was being funny.  But deep down, I also meant it.  Leonard proved me right when he, among other things, started blinking his eyes in metronomic time at 4 days old.  You may not believe me, but Lin witnessed it, equally astonished.  He proved me right, when among other things, he started not only speaking, but amassing a huge vocabulary at 10 months.  He proved me right when he showed me he could sing pitches back to me at 5 months.  And again when he started writing songs at a year and half, toy guitar in hand.  True, the first one’s lyrics consisted of the lines, “no, no, no. yeah, yeah.”  But the song had a consistent melody, and a groove.  And again, when at just over two years old, he was speaking in mostly full and complete sentences, with careful enunciation.  My father would call that a proper command of the English language, something he thought was essential in life.  He would be dazzled by this grandson of his.


Above and beyond his smarts, Leonard is endowed with a beautiful spirit.  He’s an old soul, and I can’t remember a time when he wasn’t setting out to win the world over, one person at a time.  At times, it’s been hard for him to understand that not everyone shares this enthusiasm, but he seems to have escaped the indifference of the curmudgeons relatively unscathed.  So far.


I don’t know what he came here to do, but I can’t shake the feeling that he’ll be one to watch.  And despite the bragadocious tone of all the above, I have no vested interest in whatever it is he chooses.  I know that if I’m attentive and attuned as a mother, he’ll be better able to find the path that resonates with him, and where he is meant to find his place.  To do anything well and with integrity is important.  And my job as the mommy is support him well in this mission.


These days, every baby gadget, large or small, comes factory-equipped with an electronic music box.  These are horrid things that are bad to begin with, but get more and more out of tune as the batteries wear down, with ill-rendered, inaccurate snippets of “popular” children’s tunes, and more offensively, classical music.  If these were well-done, and the sounds even vaguely approximated an actual instrument, it might be tolerable.  But it simply is not.  Go ahead.  Call me a snob.  But as I see it, babies, toddlers and children are just the earliest targets in the current trend that is “the dumbing down of society.”


Leonard was not fooled.  The first of these many music boxes we encountered was included in a beautiful bassinet.  I laid my infant down.  I pushed the button.  Upon hearing this wretched sound, he started to cry.  The cruelest joke?  No off switch.  And the damned things are bolted on like they’re indispensible, critical to proper operation.  Of a bassinet.   Inevitably, another well-intentioned family member eventually pushed the button, and had I not removed Leonard, he would have hurled himself over the edge in an effort to escape.  To say he hated those music boxes is an understatement.  Lesson learned?  Leonard doesn’t cotton condescension.


I had already known that about him on an intuitive level, so I took that cue as confirmation, and vowed that I would always be mindful in the way that we communicated.  I sensed, even in those early days, that Leonard could understand my words, that if I just spoke the truth, he would hear it.  As I spoke, he would listen, looking at my face intently.  Not mystified, but somehow making sense of me.  And as his language skills have evolved, I’ve known to hear his truth.  When we were in Japan, and these then-mysterious headaches were new, and after two visits to doctors and two visits from an acupuncturist, my exhausted little man cried to me, “Mommy.  I’m tired, my head hurts, I want to go home, I need a doctor.”


And so began our dialogue about these headaches.  I listened to him when he told me he needed medicine.  The first time they had to draw blood, he listened to me when in the midst of his cries of pain, I told him, “It’s not going to get worse than this.”  His cries stopped immediately.  He paced himself.


If only we could all know that in life.  In the throes of adversity, at that worst moment, if only we could hear that voice saying “it’s not going to get worse than this.”  I’ve been listening with everything in me since early April, but I haven’t heard that voice, surely because God knew I didn’t really need to hear it.  He knows that He endowed with the ability to breathe through it.  But I sure wanted it.  Pacing oneself through the unknown is excruciating and exhausting.  To say one can handle it should never be confused with the notion that it’s easy.





There’s learning.  But learning and knowledge are not interchangeable ideas.  What I’ve observed in these last months is that there’s an experiential element that’s critical to building that bridge.  At least once, anyway, just to prove the theory.  You learn things, amassing information.  To put them into a context is where the knowledge occurs.  You have to be able to trust the process.  As I tried to process all the information I was getting in this most terrifying new scenario, I was able to sift my knowledge into three categories: my intellectual knowledge, my intuitive knowledge, and my fears.  Once upon a time, I believed that if you were enlightened enough, you could escape fear, that you could actually banish the thought.  The man I studied under in seminary used to laugh when I would propose this idea.  “Andrea, if any of us were that spiritually evolved,” he would say, “there would be no need to stay here.  We’d sprout wings and fly off to the next place.”  And now I know that not only is that not possible in the face of something this scary, but that it’s not necessary.  I’ve never been the mommy at a time like this before.  Intellectually, I knew that Leonard was in the right place, in the right doctor’s hands, and that this very invasive surgery was the only way to eliminate this problem.  Intuitively, I knew that things would unfold as they were intended to, as God would have it.  And I knew that surely, such a remarkable child couldn’t be here for such a short time.  Oh, wait, that was my intellect again.  For I know too many parents who have lost remarkable children far too early.  At any rate, I couldn’t shake the fear.  As soon as I would push it aside, it would sneak back in again.  I found my bottom line.  I could handle all of this, but I needed Leonard to wake up.  That’s it, God.  Just please make sure he wakes up.


In my almost 41 years, I’ve learned a lot.  About myself, about my intuition, about relationships, about work, about the world…  For me, there is one requirement to bring all of these seemingly disjointed things to common ground.  Love.  If you can learn to approach your experience from this place, if you can learn to sift through the insanity that would keep us from knowing peace, if you can simply and relentlessly pursue and sustain a relationship with the Divine, then finding peace is possible.  This is not easily done, but it’s more than worth the price of admission.


(to be continued…)

are personal loans bad <a href=></a> personal loans no credit check direct lender.
10 best casino online <a href=></a> online casino bonus no deposit.

azithromycin online -

<a href=''>azithromycin price</a>

azithromycin bronchitis -

making viagra work better
stree overlord exceed viagra and cialis
when is a generic viagra available

state farm personal loans <a href=></a> no fee personal loans.
vegas casino online no deposit bonus <a href=></a> best online casino no deposit bonus.

student personal loans <a href=></a> pnc bank personal loans.
hollywood casino online slots <a href=></a> online casino games no deposit bonus.

rates for personal loans <a href=></a> personal loans with low interest rates.
new online casino no deposit <a href=></a> online casino instant play.

sallie mae personal loans <a href=></a> jg wentworth personal loans.
online casino games no deposit bonus <a href=></a> online casino slots.

do personal loans hurt your credit <a href=></a> personal loans florida.
free online casino slot games <a href=></a> online casino with no deposit bonus.

how many personal loans can you have at once <a href=></a> how many personal loans can you have at once.
online casino no deposit welcome bonus <a href=></a> online casino games for real money.

personal loans with no proof of income <a href=></a> titlemax personal loans.
casino games online free <a href=></a> best online casino new zealand.

bank of america loans personal <a href=></a> pre approved personal loans.
online casino nz no deposit <a href=></a> online casino free money no deposit.

azithromycin 500 -

Приветствую! Класный у вас сайт!
Что скажете по поводу этих новостей?:
<a href=> Вечер с Владимиром Соловьевым от 14.12.2017 </a> <b> Вечер с Владимиром Соловьевым от 14.12.2017 Часть 1 Часть 2 Часть 3 Часть 4 Часть 5 Часть 6 </b> <b> Авторы Cyberpunk 2077 опровергли слухи о кризисе </b>
Ещё много всего нашел тут: <b> новости атомной энергетики кнр </b> <a href=> независимые новости экономики </a>
<a href=>новости мира сегодня</a> новости мира

hard money personal loans <a href=></a> do bank of america do personal loans.
best online casino nj <a href=></a> free casino online.

azithromycin treats -

azithromycin 500 -

no fee personal loans <a href=></a> online personal loans for bad credit.
online casino games no deposit bonus <a href=></a> best online casino new zealand.

republic finance loans personal <a href=></a> rates for personal loans.
online casino free chips <a href=></a> online casino real money free spins.

personal loans with poor credit <a href=></a> joint personal loans bad credit.
online casino with no minimum deposit <a href=></a> free online casino no download.

personal loans to pay off debt <a href=></a> online small personal loans.
online play casino <a href=></a> vegas casino online no deposit bonus codes 2020.

personal finance loans <a href=></a> bank of america personal loans rates.
online casino australia no deposit bonus <a href=></a> play casino games online for.

bad credit personal loans guaranteed approval ny <a href=></a> personal loans fair credit.
best online casino bonuses in the uk <a href=></a> online casino free play no deposit usa.

10mg of viagra when you don't have ed
purchase viagra online viagra canada
how virmax and viagra different

best personal loans rates <a href=></a> the best personal loans.
online casino slots no deposit bonus <a href=></a> play for real money online casino.

personal loans credit union <a href=></a> bbb accredited personal loans for bad credit.
casino slots online play <a href=></a> no deposit bonuses online casino.

viagra big meal
what is the best online pharmacy for viagra without a prescription
what happens if a girl takes male viagra pills

azithromycin online cheap -

bankofamerica personal loans <a href=></a> government personal loans.
online casino real money app <a href=></a> usa online casino no deposit bonus codes 2020.

does wells fargo give personal loans <a href=></a> personal loans for credit card debt.
real casino slots online real money <a href=></a> hollywood casino online real money.

azithromycin 500mg -

<a href="">azithromycin 250mg</a>

how to get viagra prescription
standard viagra dose
how much do 100mg viagra cost

lending club personal loans <a href=></a> personal auto loans.
real vegas online casino no deposit bonus codes <a href=></a> 10 best casino online.

personal loans after bankruptcy <a href=></a> earnest personal loans.
no deposit bonus online casino <a href=></a> no deposit online casino games.

<a href=>azithromycin purchase</a>

cheap azithromycin -

cialis mexico pharmacy <a href=>canadian viagra online pharmacy reviews</a> cialis at canadian pharmacies <a href="">canadian pharmacies generic drugs online</a> canada online pharmacy viagra
canada online pharmacy viagra <a href=>cialis- canadian pharmacy</a> viagra online pharmacy <a href="">canadian pharcharmy online viagra</a> usa pharmacy online <a href=>viagra online canadian pharmacy</a> generic cialis canada pharmacy <a href="">canada pharmacy viagra</a> canadian pharmacy without a prescription

antibiotic azithromycin -

female viagra tasteless
where to buy viagra online cheap viagra generic
where to buy viagra in los angeles

loans personal <a href=></a> chase personal loans rates.
online casino real money app <a href=></a> best online casino games.

azithromycin 250 -

cheap personal loans <a href=></a> best lenders for personal loans.
online no deposit casino bonus codes <a href=></a> 888 casino play online.

azithromycin 250mg -

best companies for personal loans <a href=></a> bbb accredited personal loans for bad credit.
best casino games online <a href=></a> online casino real money paypal usa.

personal loans az <a href=></a> pros and cons of personal loans.
online casino real money with free money to start <a href=></a> no minimum deposit online casino.

chinese viagra
buy viagra pills can i buy viagra online
how to lower body temp after viagra

buy azithromycin 500mg -

personal loans for discharged bankrupts <a href=></a> personal loans with soft credit check.
free online casino no deposit required <a href=></a> top best online casino.

Post new comment

The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly.
Syndicate content