Dec 6 | Posted by: Andrea Zonn |

My New Year’s resolutions have already started.  I don’t know what it is that arises within me, usually at this time of year, that makes me want to take stock, reassess and take charge of some aspect of my life.  It seems to be a seasonal thing.  Three occasions a year when that need presents itself, vying for attention above all other matters, the other two being the first of Spring and the first of Fall.  Open the windows, shake out the cobwebs, and feel reenergized, claim new resolve.


But the moment at hand isn’t for open windows.  I’ve spent the greater part of the past week steeped in my late father’s life.  I’ve been procrastinating.  Monday marks eight years since his passing.  A grand pile of computers and hard drives landed in my studio a couple of months ago, courtesy of my brother Brian.  Prior to that, they resided in my mother’s garage, where they became home to a multitude of spiders and dust bunnies.  Three years ago, she moved them from the wreck of an office my dad had occupied at their former home.  For eight years, she’s been asking me to deal with them, and for eight years, I’ve been filled with dread.  And for good reason.


Every family enjoys some level of dysfunction.  We just do.  Every family establishes a system for communication and behavior that is only understood within the context of that household.  Behaviors that are exercised there rarely work in the outside world.  Mine was, and is, no different.  My father was a born professor.  Not just any professor, but the chair of his department at the University of Illinois.  He was used to students and faculty alike coming to him for guidance and learning.  He rightfully expected that of his children, as well.  I had no problem with that when I was actually a child.  But when I was finding my way as an adult, I didn’t always want or need to seek his counsel.  Sometimes he wanted to impose it on me anyway, and we had some ugly confrontations.


When he contracted melanoma, and then Guillain-Barre Syndrome, it was the beginning of the end.  Nearly two years he would spend in and out of hospitals and rehabilitation facilities.  GB immediately took away his ability to walk, the command of his arms, legs and fingers, and during more pronounced stages of his illness, even his ability to breathe and swallow.  That’s when my father disappeared.  That’s when my mother disappeared.  And I felt left to fend for my own well-being.


Immediately after my father’s passing, I wasn’t too anxious to get inside his head.  That little girl inside me had her own well-being to tend to, after all.


I’ve done, and continue to do a lot of healing.  I know that my dad was just in survival when he was sick.  His life was at stake, which meant that he simply wasn’t able to reach out beyond himself and nurture anyone else.  I knew that even then.  There are times when you have to leave your inner child waiting in the car.  It’s not safe to take them into some situations.


I do really miss him.  I miss his voice, and his wisdom.  I miss his laughter, and his enthusiasm.  I miss his curiosity.  I miss his smile.  And the sparkle in his eyes.


I miss him for Leonard.  I see him in Leonard.


So now, I’m ready to deal with the content of those damn computers.  Dinosaurs, they are now.  Machines that haven’t been turned on in at least ten years.  Slow.  Obsolete applications and software.  Floppy disks.  Scuzy cables.  Even a couple of my old computers that he claimed when I was done.


When my father passed, it was just too raw, too open.  For a long time.  Then I dreaded getting into his head.  In his life, he was always able to keep track of things, and had a half-assed system to organize the portion of his life’s work kept in these old computers.


There are no social security numbers, legal documents or other items embedded in these hard drives.  But there are compositions and their accompanying program notes.  There are love poems written to my mother.  There are song lyrics.  And album credits.  And liner notes.  And letters of recommendation.


But we didn’t know any of that.  Because I couldn’t bring myself to start the process.

deep web drug url <a href="https://monopolymarketdarknet.link/ ">darkmarket url </a>

tor dark web <a href="https://mydarkmarket.com/ ">deep web drug markets </a>

hcg canadian pharmacy <a href="https://jijopharm.com/ ">cvs pharmacy store hours</a> https://jijopharm.com/

darknet websites <a href="https://kingdomarketdarkweb.link/ ">darknet websites </a>

dark web link <a href="https://kingdomarketdarknet.link/ ">tor markets </a>

tor markets <a href="https://monopoly-marketpolace.link/ ">darknet marketplace </a>

deep web drug markets <a href="https://tormarkets2021.com/ ">dark web sites </a>

http://www.ivermectinoge.com/ ivermectin pharmacy

darknet websites <a href="https://tor-marketplace.com/ ">dark web market </a>

deep web markets <a href="https://tor-markets2022.com/ ">dark web sites </a>

darknet websites <a href="https://drugsmarketsdarkweb.com/ ">dark markets </a>

darknet sites <a href="https://darkmarketwww.online/ ">dark web sites </a>

<a href="https://ivermectinuni.com/#">buy ivermectin pills</a> stromectol mexico

dark web links <a href="https://cannahomemarketdarknet.link/ ">darkmarket 2022 </a>

darknet market list <a href="https://drugsmarketsonion.com/ ">dark markets </a>

darkmarket url <a href="https://darknetmarketplace.online/ ">darknet markets </a>

modula tadalafil reviews <a href="https://tadalafilise.com/ ">mint pharmaceuticals tadalafil reviews</a> https://tadalafilise.com/

tor markets links <a href="https://worldmarketdarkweb.link/ ">deep dark web </a>

drug markets onion <a href="https://cryptodarkmarket.online/ ">dark market 2022 </a>

tor dark web <a href="https://mydarknetmarket.online/ ">tor marketplace </a>

tor markets <a href="https://canna-home.link/ ">dark market 2022 </a>

darknet drug store <a href="https://drugsmarketonion.com/ ">deep web drug url </a>

darknet drug market <a href="https://drugmarketonions.com/ ">darknet market links </a>

dark market list <a href="https://marketonion.com/ ">dark web drug marketplace </a>

dark web market <a href="https://marketplacetor.com/ ">darkmarket url </a>

http://ivermectinuni.com/ stromectol generic

deep dark web <a href="https://tor-dark.com/ ">tor market </a>

deep web drug markets <a href="https://tormarket2022.com/ ">darknet market links </a>

drug markets dark web <a href="https://drugmarketsonion.com/ ">dark markets </a>

onion market <a href="https://torshopurl.com/ ">tor markets links </a>

tor darknet <a href="https://darknetonline.link/ ">darknet market </a>

deep web markets <a href="https://darknet-online.link/ ">darknet market </a>

darkmarkets <a href="https://darkwebmarketlist.link/ ">darknet market lists </a>

darknet markets <a href="https://darkmarketstore.link/ ">deep web markets </a>

best darknet markets <a href="https://darknet-marketplace.link/ ">drug markets dark web </a>

darknet marketplace <a href="https://tormarket24.com/ ">dark markets 2022 </a>

darknet market list <a href="https://tormarketinfo.com/ ">darknet market lists </a>

<a href="https://ivermectinuni.com/#">buy stromectol usa</a>

<a href="https://www.ivermectinusd.com/#">stromectol 3 mg tablets</a> stromectol for humans

darkmarket link <a href="https://monopoly-darkweb.link/ ">tor market url </a>

dark web market <a href="https://tordarkwebs.com/ ">dark market onion </a>

<a href="https://www.ivermectinoge.com/#">generic ivermectin 12 mg</a>

darknet market lists <a href="https://worldmarketdarknet.link/ ">darknet websites </a>

darkweb marketplace <a href="https://world-market-darkweb.link/ ">dark markets </a>

drug markets onion <a href="https://darkodemarketdarkweb.link/ ">best darknet markets </a>

tor dark web <a href="https://webdarklink.com/ ">tor darknet </a>

dark market link <a href="https://versus-market-onion.link/ ">dark web market links </a>

<a href="https://invokana.beauty/ ">invokana price philippines</a> invokana 100 mg generic

dark market url <a href="https://darkwebmarketlist.store/ ">drug markets dark web </a>

tor marketplace <a href="https://toremarketplace.com/ ">tor marketplace </a>

Post new comment

The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly.
Syndicate content