Damn

Dec 6 | Posted by: Andrea Zonn |

My New Year’s resolutions have already started.  I don’t know what it is that arises within me, usually at this time of year, that makes me want to take stock, reassess and take charge of some aspect of my life.  It seems to be a seasonal thing.  Three occasions a year when that need presents itself, vying for attention above all other matters, the other two being the first of Spring and the first of Fall.  Open the windows, shake out the cobwebs, and feel reenergized, claim new resolve.

 

But the moment at hand isn’t for open windows.  I’ve spent the greater part of the past week steeped in my late father’s life.  I’ve been procrastinating.  Monday marks eight years since his passing.  A grand pile of computers and hard drives landed in my studio a couple of months ago, courtesy of my brother Brian.  Prior to that, they resided in my mother’s garage, where they became home to a multitude of spiders and dust bunnies.  Three years ago, she moved them from the wreck of an office my dad had occupied at their former home.  For eight years, she’s been asking me to deal with them, and for eight years, I’ve been filled with dread.  And for good reason.

 

Every family enjoys some level of dysfunction.  We just do.  Every family establishes a system for communication and behavior that is only understood within the context of that household.  Behaviors that are exercised there rarely work in the outside world.  Mine was, and is, no different.  My father was a born professor.  Not just any professor, but the chair of his department at the University of Illinois.  He was used to students and faculty alike coming to him for guidance and learning.  He rightfully expected that of his children, as well.  I had no problem with that when I was actually a child.  But when I was finding my way as an adult, I didn’t always want or need to seek his counsel.  Sometimes he wanted to impose it on me anyway, and we had some ugly confrontations.

 

When he contracted melanoma, and then Guillain-Barre Syndrome, it was the beginning of the end.  Nearly two years he would spend in and out of hospitals and rehabilitation facilities.  GB immediately took away his ability to walk, the command of his arms, legs and fingers, and during more pronounced stages of his illness, even his ability to breathe and swallow.  That’s when my father disappeared.  That’s when my mother disappeared.  And I felt left to fend for my own well-being.

 

Immediately after my father’s passing, I wasn’t too anxious to get inside his head.  That little girl inside me had her own well-being to tend to, after all.

 

I’ve done, and continue to do a lot of healing.  I know that my dad was just in survival when he was sick.  His life was at stake, which meant that he simply wasn’t able to reach out beyond himself and nurture anyone else.  I knew that even then.  There are times when you have to leave your inner child waiting in the car.  It’s not safe to take them into some situations.

 

I do really miss him.  I miss his voice, and his wisdom.  I miss his laughter, and his enthusiasm.  I miss his curiosity.  I miss his smile.  And the sparkle in his eyes.

 

I miss him for Leonard.  I see him in Leonard.

 

So now, I’m ready to deal with the content of those damn computers.  Dinosaurs, they are now.  Machines that haven’t been turned on in at least ten years.  Slow.  Obsolete applications and software.  Floppy disks.  Scuzy cables.  Even a couple of my old computers that he claimed when I was done.

 

When my father passed, it was just too raw, too open.  For a long time.  Then I dreaded getting into his head.  In his life, he was always able to keep track of things, and had a half-assed system to organize the portion of his life’s work kept in these old computers.

 

There are no social security numbers, legal documents or other items embedded in these hard drives.  But there are compositions and their accompanying program notes.  There are love poems written to my mother.  There are song lyrics.  And album credits.  And liner notes.  And letters of recommendation.

 

But we didn’t know any of that.  Because I couldn’t bring myself to start the process.

<a href=https://cialsi.com/>cialis dosage 40 mg</a> cialis dnevna doza <a href=https://cialisam.com/>cialis generic india</a>

<a href=https://cialsi.com/>buy cialis generic</a> viagra cialis levitra pramil <a href=https://cialisam.com/>tadalafil cialis bestprice</a>

buy metoclopramide hydrochloride
<a href="https://aaamedsu.com/#">best buy cialis online </a>
buy daily cialis from canada Wex dar

<a href="https://vidalistahim.com">vidalista-20 vs viagra</a>

injectible ivermectin <a href="https://ivermectin6mg.com/#">ivermectin pill cost </a> ivermectin paste for guinea pigs why do my hands turn purple treating with ivermectin

viagra ohne rezept 24h versand list doctors viagra used heart disease <a href="https://himsprescription.com/#">viagra without a doctor prescription</a> - cialis melhor q viagra https://himsprescription.com/# - e piu efficace viagra o cialis is it okay to use a salt subsitute when taking blood pressure medication

Hi there! This is my 1st comment here so I just wanted to give a quick shout
out and tell you I really enjoy reading through your articles.
Can you suggest any other blogs/websites/forums that cover the same
subjects? Thank you!

My programmer is trying to persuade me to move to .net from PHP.
I have always disliked the idea because of the costs.
But he's tryiong none the less. I've been using Movable-type on numerous websites for about a year and am anxious about switching to another
platform. I have heard fantastic things about blogengine.net.
Is there a way I can import all my wordpress posts into it?
Any help would be really appreciated!

I know this web page presents quality dependent
posts and additional information, is there any other web
site which presents these data in quality?

Very rapidly this web site will be famous amid all
blogging users, due to it's fastidious articles

Its like you read my mind! You seem to know a lot about this, like
you wrote the book in it or something. I think that you
can do with a few pics to drive the message home a little bit, but other than that,
this is fantastic blog. An excellent read. I'll definitely be back.

Hi there! I could have sworn I've been to this website before but after reading through some of
the post I realized it's new to me. Anyways, I'm definitely delighted I
found it and I'll be bookmarking and checking back frequently!

Write more, thats all I have to say. Literally, it seems as though you relied on the video to make your
point. You clearly know what youre talking about, why waste your intelligence on just posting videos to your weblog when you could
be giving us something enlightening to read?

certainly like your website however you have to check the spelling on quite
a few of your posts. Several of them are rife with spelling issues and I
in finding it very bothersome to tell the reality nevertheless I will
surely come back again.

Hi there i am kavin, its my first time to commenting anyplace, when i read this post i thought i could also create comment due to this
sensible article.

We're a group of volunteers and opening a new scheme in our community.
Your web site provided us with valuable info to work on.
You've done a formidable job and our whole community will be thankful to you.

I was curious if you ever considered changing the page layout
of your site? Its very well written; I love what youve got
to say. But maybe you could a little more in the way of content so people could connect
with it better. Youve got an awful lot of text for
only having one or two images. Maybe you could space it out better?

Magnificent goods from you, man. I have understand
your stuff previous to and you're just too wonderful.
I actually like what you have acquired here, really
like what you are stating and the way in which you say it.
You make it entertaining and you still take
care of to keep it smart. I can't wait to read far more
from you. This is actually a terrific web site.

I believe what you published made a great deal of sense.
But, think about this, what if you wrote a catchier title?
I am not suggesting your information is not good, however suppose
you added a title that makes people desire more?
I mean Damn | Andrea Zonn is a little plain. You might peek at Yahoo's
home page and note how they create post titles to get viewers to click.
You might try adding a video or a related pic or two
to grab people excited about everything've got to say.
In my opinion, it could make your blog a little bit more interesting.

I absolutely love your blog and find almost all of your post's to be just what I'm
looking for. Does one offer guest writers to write content to suit your needs?

I wouldn't mind publishing a post or elaborating on a
lot of the subjects you write in relation to here.
Again, awesome web site!

Good post. I learn something new and challenging on sites I stumbleupon everyday.
It's always interesting to read through content from other authors and use a little something from their websites.

Good post. I learn something totally new and challenging on blogs I stumbleupon everyday.
It's always exciting to read articles from other writers and use something from
their web sites.

We stumbled over here from a different page and thought I should check things out.
I like what I see so i am just following you. Look forward to checking
out your web page for a second time.

We are a group of volunteers and starting a brand new scheme in our community.
Your site offered us with useful info to work on. You've
done an impressive task and our entire community will
probably be thankful to you.

You're so awesome! I do not suppose I have read anything like that before.
So nice to discover another person with genuine thoughts on this issue.
Really.. thanks for starting this up. This website is one thing that is required on the internet, someone with some originality!

obviously like your web site however you need to take a look at the spelling on quite a few of your posts.
Several of them are rife with spelling problems and I to find it very bothersome to inform the reality then again I
will certainly come again again.

Hello! I just wanted to ask if you ever have any problems with
hackers? My last blog (wordpress) was hacked
and I ended up losing several weeks of hard work due
to no data backup. Do you have any methods to protect against
hackers?

I like it whenever people come together and share ideas.
Great website, continue the good work!

Today, I went to the beach with my kids.
I found a sea shell and gave it to my 4 year old daughter and said
"You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear." She placed
the shell to her ear and screamed. There was a hermit crab inside and it pinched her ear.

She never wants to go back! LoL I know this is entirely off topic but I had to tell someone!

I am truly thankful to the owner of this website who has shared this impressive article
at at this time.

Hi there, its pleasant post concerning media print, we
all be familiar with media is a wonderful source of data.

It's going to be ending of mine day, however before ending I am reading
this enormous paragraph to improve my knowledge.

I've been exploring for a little for any high-quality articles or blog posts in this kind of area .

Exploring in Yahoo I eventually stumbled upon this site.
Reading this info So i'm satisfied to exhibit that I've a very just right uncanny feeling I
came upon exactly what I needed. I most undoubtedly will make certain to do not
omit this website and give it a glance on a relentless
basis.

It's amazing to pay a quick visit this web page and reading the views
of all mates concerning this post, while I am also keen of getting experience.

Having read this I thought it was rather enlightening.
I appreciate you finding the time and energy to put this short article together.
I once again find myself personally spending a significant
amount of time both reading and commenting. But so
what, it was still worth it!

Hello There. I found your blog the use of msn. That is a really neatly written article.

I will be sure to bookmark it and come back to learn more of
your useful info. Thanks for the post. I will certainly return.

Hi there! This post could not be written any better! Reading through this post reminds me of
my good old room mate! He always kept talking about this.

I will forward this article to him. Fairly certain he will have a good read.

Thank you for sharing!

<a href=https://fstciali.com/>cialis refractory period</a> cialis eye problems <a href=https://cialisoen.com/>is generic cialis safe</a>

Hi there, You have done a fantastic job.

I will definitely digg it and personally recommend to my friends.
I'm confident they will be benefited from this website.

<a href=https://fstciali.com/>cialis refractory period</a> cialis levitra mix <a href=https://cialisoen.com/>cialis super active 20mg</a>

We stumbled over here from a different web page and thought I
might check things out. I like what I see so now i am following you.
Look forward to looking into your web page repeatedly.

I am curious to find out what blog platform you happen to
be utilizing? I'm having some minor security issues with my latest website
and I'd like to find something more risk-free. Do you
have any solutions?

Hello, Neat post. There is a problem along with your website in web explorer, may test this?

IE still is the marketplace leader and a good element of other people
will omit your wonderful writing due to this problem.

Hey there! Do you know if they make any plugins to safeguard against hackers?
I'm kinda paranoid about losing everything I've worked hard on. Any
tips?

Saved as a favorite, I love your web site!

Fantastic items from you, man. I have consider your stuff
previous to and you're just extremely magnificent. I really like
what you've bought right here, really like what you
are saying and the way in which by which you are saying it.

You make it entertaining and you continue to care for to stay it smart.
I can not wait to learn much more from you. That is really a terrific web site.

I all the time emailed this blog post page to all my friends,
because if like to read it then my contacts will too.

Attractive section of content. I just stumbled upon your blog and
in accession capital to assert that I acquire actually enjoyed account
your blog posts. Anyway I will be subscribing to your augment
and even I achievement you access consistently quickly.

Woah! I'm really digging the template/theme of this blog.
It's simple, yet effective. A lot of times
it's tough to get that "perfect balance" between usability and visual appeal.

I must say you have done a amazing job with this. Also, the blog loads extremely quick
for me on Safari. Outstanding Blog!

Ahaa, its nice dialogue on the topic of this piece of writing at this place
at this weblog, I have read all that, so at this time me also commenting
at this place.

Post new comment

The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly.
Syndicate content