Dec 6 | Posted by: Andrea Zonn |

My New Year’s resolutions have already started.  I don’t know what it is that arises within me, usually at this time of year, that makes me want to take stock, reassess and take charge of some aspect of my life.  It seems to be a seasonal thing.  Three occasions a year when that need presents itself, vying for attention above all other matters, the other two being the first of Spring and the first of Fall.  Open the windows, shake out the cobwebs, and feel reenergized, claim new resolve.


But the moment at hand isn’t for open windows.  I’ve spent the greater part of the past week steeped in my late father’s life.  I’ve been procrastinating.  Monday marks eight years since his passing.  A grand pile of computers and hard drives landed in my studio a couple of months ago, courtesy of my brother Brian.  Prior to that, they resided in my mother’s garage, where they became home to a multitude of spiders and dust bunnies.  Three years ago, she moved them from the wreck of an office my dad had occupied at their former home.  For eight years, she’s been asking me to deal with them, and for eight years, I’ve been filled with dread.  And for good reason.


Every family enjoys some level of dysfunction.  We just do.  Every family establishes a system for communication and behavior that is only understood within the context of that household.  Behaviors that are exercised there rarely work in the outside world.  Mine was, and is, no different.  My father was a born professor.  Not just any professor, but the chair of his department at the University of Illinois.  He was used to students and faculty alike coming to him for guidance and learning.  He rightfully expected that of his children, as well.  I had no problem with that when I was actually a child.  But when I was finding my way as an adult, I didn’t always want or need to seek his counsel.  Sometimes he wanted to impose it on me anyway, and we had some ugly confrontations.


When he contracted melanoma, and then Guillain-Barre Syndrome, it was the beginning of the end.  Nearly two years he would spend in and out of hospitals and rehabilitation facilities.  GB immediately took away his ability to walk, the command of his arms, legs and fingers, and during more pronounced stages of his illness, even his ability to breathe and swallow.  That’s when my father disappeared.  That’s when my mother disappeared.  And I felt left to fend for my own well-being.


Immediately after my father’s passing, I wasn’t too anxious to get inside his head.  That little girl inside me had her own well-being to tend to, after all.


I’ve done, and continue to do a lot of healing.  I know that my dad was just in survival when he was sick.  His life was at stake, which meant that he simply wasn’t able to reach out beyond himself and nurture anyone else.  I knew that even then.  There are times when you have to leave your inner child waiting in the car.  It’s not safe to take them into some situations.


I do really miss him.  I miss his voice, and his wisdom.  I miss his laughter, and his enthusiasm.  I miss his curiosity.  I miss his smile.  And the sparkle in his eyes.


I miss him for Leonard.  I see him in Leonard.


So now, I’m ready to deal with the content of those damn computers.  Dinosaurs, they are now.  Machines that haven’t been turned on in at least ten years.  Slow.  Obsolete applications and software.  Floppy disks.  Scuzy cables.  Even a couple of my old computers that he claimed when I was done.


When my father passed, it was just too raw, too open.  For a long time.  Then I dreaded getting into his head.  In his life, he was always able to keep track of things, and had a half-assed system to organize the portion of his life’s work kept in these old computers.


There are no social security numbers, legal documents or other items embedded in these hard drives.  But there are compositions and their accompanying program notes.  There are love poems written to my mother.  There are song lyrics.  And album credits.  And liner notes.  And letters of recommendation.


But we didn’t know any of that.  Because I couldn’t bring myself to start the process.

i need help writing my paper https://turboessaywriter.com/ - essay writer reddit essay <a href="https://turboessaywriter.com/ ">essay helper </a> essay writers

https://turbopaperwriter.com/ write my essay generator https://turbopaperwriter.com/ - write a paper for me <a href="https://turbopaperwriter.com/ ">paper writing services </a>

paper writer essay help <a href=" https://turbopaperwriter.com/ ">us essay writers </a> what is a dissertation https://turbopaperwriter.com/ - essay writer online

write an essay for me https://turboessaywriting.com/ buy essay paper <a href="https://turboessaywriting.com/ ">college essays </a> samedayessay

https://turboessaywriting.com/ buy cheap essay writing essay <a href="https://turboessaywriting.com/ ">buy dissertation </a> help writing a paper

how to write an essay essaytypercom <a href=" https://paperwriterusd.com/ ">my college </a> argumentative essay https://paperwriterusd.com/ - paper writer

how to write a paper https://paperwriterusd.com/ - my homework writing services online dissertation writing service https://paperwriterusd.com/

essay paper writing essay format <a href="https://myinstantessaywriters.com/ ">how to do your homework </a> help with writing paper https://myinstantessaywriters.com/

do my homework https://myessayfriend.com/ - write essay write essay essaywriter https://myessayfriend.com/

buy essay paper https://essaywriting24h.com/ - write a paper for me writing essay narrative essay help https://essaywriting24h.com/

write my essay for me online dissertation writing service <a href="https://writeanessay24h.com/ ">write my essay generator </a> essay assistance https://writeanessay24h.com/

https://writeanessay24h.com/ writing paper paper writer <a href="https://writeanessay24h.com/ ">college essay writer </a> essay writers

https://paperwriteract.com/ thesis writing help argumentative essay <a href="https://paperwriteract.com/ ">writing essays </a> writing paper

personal essay https://writeapapper24h.com/ - write an essay essay writer online <a href="https://writeapapper24h.com/ ">buy dissertation paper </a> essay writer cheap

best essay writer <a href=" https://writeapapper24h.com/ ">essaywriter </a> instant essay writer https://writeapapper24h.com/

azithromycin and alcohol https://myzithromaxonline.com/ zithromax side effects <a href="https://myzithromaxonline.com/ ">azytromycyna </a>

buy azithromycin cart zithromax generic name <a href=" https://myzithromaxonline.com/ ">side effects for azithromycin </a> zithromax generic name https://myzithromaxonline.com/ - buy azithromycin

free essay writer https://paperwriterblk.com/ - edit my essay write essay online dissertation writing service https://paperwriterblk.com/

essay help how to do your homework good <a href=" https://paperwriterblk.com/ ">help me with my homework </a> persuasive essay writer https://paperwriterblk.com/ - buy essay paper

argumentative essay https://essaywriter1day.com/ essaybot <a href="https://essaywriter1day.com/ ">persuasive essay writer </a> college essay writing services

https://essaywriter1day.com/ narrative essay help https://essaywriter1day.com/ - i need help writing a paper for college <a href="https://essaywriter1day.com/ ">buy dissertation paper </a>

what is a dissertation https://turboessaywriter.com/ - essay maker writing essays help essay helper https://turboessaywriter.com/

us essay writers dissertation help <a href=" https://turboessaywriting.com/ ">paper writer generator </a> help me with my homework https://turboessaywriting.com/ - writing help

zithromax over the counter https://myzithromaxonline.com/ - zithromax covid <a href="https://myzithromaxonline.com/ ">azithromycin side effects </a>

how to write a paper in apa format https://essaywritingcorp.com/ - paper writer generator online essay writer how to write a good essay https://essaywritingcorp.com/

samedayessay help me with my homework <a href="https://myinstantessaywriters.com/ ">writing paper help </a> best essay writer https://myinstantessaywriters.com/

https://paperwriterusd.com/ essay typer https://paperwriterusd.com/ - cheap essay writer <a href="https://paperwriterusd.com/ ">help with writing a paper </a>

paying someone to write a paper <a href=" https://paperwriteract.com/ ">narrative essay help </a> essay editapaper.com https://paperwriteract.com/

cheap essay writer https://paperwriteract.com/ dissertation help <a href="https://paperwriteract.com/ ">samedayessay </a> type my essay

write essay for you https://essaywriterinst.com/ - writing help research paper i need help writing a paper for college https://essaywriterinst.com/

easy essay writer help with homework <a href="https://writeapapper24h.com/ ">essay writer </a> writing paper help https://writeapapper24h.com/

essay writer reviews https://writeapapper24h.com/ - writing services essaytypercom writing essays help https://writeapapper24h.com/

instant essay writer https://turbopaperwriter.com/ - do homework how to write a paper in apa format <a href="https://turbopaperwriter.com/ ">do your homework </a> essay format

do my homework essay writers <a href=" https://turboessaywriting.com/ ">instant essay writer </a> essay rewriter https://turboessaywriting.com/ - dissertation help

https://essaywriting24h.com/ best essay writing service do homework <a href="https://essaywriting24h.com/ ">instant essay writer </a> argumentative essays

essay maker https://essaywriting24h.com/ college essay <a href="https://essaywriting24h.com/ ">online homework </a> essay writers online

college essay prompts <a href=" https://paperwriterblk.com/ ">how to write a good essay </a> write my essay generator https://paperwriterblk.com/

personal essay https://paperwriterblk.com/ - thesis writing help essay writer generator <a href="https://paperwriterblk.com/ ">writes your essay for you </a> doing homework

azithromycin online azithromycin tablets <a href="https://myzithromaxonline.com/ ">what is zithromax </a> zitromax

https://myessayfriend.com/ help with writing paper https://myessayfriend.com/ - online homework <a href="https://myessayfriend.com/ ">narrative essay help </a>

write an essay https://essaywritingbot.com/ online essay writer <a href="https://essaywritingbot.com/ ">help with homework </a> thesis writing help

help with writing an essay essay writer generator <a href=" https://essaywritingcorp.com/ ">college essay writer </a> buy dissertation paper https://essaywritingcorp.com/ - essaybot

writing essays help https://essaywritingcorp.com/ homework online <a href="https://essaywritingcorp.com/ ">buying essays online </a> homework online

paper help the last hour <a href=" https://turboessaywriter.com/ ">writing an essay </a> help me with my essay https://turboessaywriter.com/ - write an essay for me

how to write a good essay how to write a essay <a href="https://turboessaywriter.com/ ">buy essay paper </a> online essay writer https://turboessaywriter.com/

zitromax <a href=" https://myzithromaxonline.com/ ">azithromycin over the counter </a> zitromax https://myzithromaxonline.com/

paper help https://paperwriterusd.com/ - how to write an essay doing homework <a href="https://paperwriterusd.com/ ">buy essay paper </a> write a paper

i need help writing my paper https://paperwriterusd.com/ - type my essay essay typer <a href="https://paperwriterusd.com/ ">essay typer </a> college essays

https://writeanessay24h.com/ buy dissertation paper https://writeanessay24h.com/ - college essays <a href="https://writeanessay24h.com/ ">type my essay </a>

help with an essay paying someone to write a paper <a href=" https://writeapapper24h.com/ ">type my essay </a> what is a dissertation https://writeapapper24h.com/ - essay writer reviews

Post new comment

The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly.
Syndicate content