Damn

Dec 6 | Posted by: Andrea Zonn |

My New Year’s resolutions have already started.  I don’t know what it is that arises within me, usually at this time of year, that makes me want to take stock, reassess and take charge of some aspect of my life.  It seems to be a seasonal thing.  Three occasions a year when that need presents itself, vying for attention above all other matters, the other two being the first of Spring and the first of Fall.  Open the windows, shake out the cobwebs, and feel reenergized, claim new resolve.

 

But the moment at hand isn’t for open windows.  I’ve spent the greater part of the past week steeped in my late father’s life.  I’ve been procrastinating.  Monday marks eight years since his passing.  A grand pile of computers and hard drives landed in my studio a couple of months ago, courtesy of my brother Brian.  Prior to that, they resided in my mother’s garage, where they became home to a multitude of spiders and dust bunnies.  Three years ago, she moved them from the wreck of an office my dad had occupied at their former home.  For eight years, she’s been asking me to deal with them, and for eight years, I’ve been filled with dread.  And for good reason.

 

Every family enjoys some level of dysfunction.  We just do.  Every family establishes a system for communication and behavior that is only understood within the context of that household.  Behaviors that are exercised there rarely work in the outside world.  Mine was, and is, no different.  My father was a born professor.  Not just any professor, but the chair of his department at the University of Illinois.  He was used to students and faculty alike coming to him for guidance and learning.  He rightfully expected that of his children, as well.  I had no problem with that when I was actually a child.  But when I was finding my way as an adult, I didn’t always want or need to seek his counsel.  Sometimes he wanted to impose it on me anyway, and we had some ugly confrontations.

 

When he contracted melanoma, and then Guillain-Barre Syndrome, it was the beginning of the end.  Nearly two years he would spend in and out of hospitals and rehabilitation facilities.  GB immediately took away his ability to walk, the command of his arms, legs and fingers, and during more pronounced stages of his illness, even his ability to breathe and swallow.  That’s when my father disappeared.  That’s when my mother disappeared.  And I felt left to fend for my own well-being.

 

Immediately after my father’s passing, I wasn’t too anxious to get inside his head.  That little girl inside me had her own well-being to tend to, after all.

 

I’ve done, and continue to do a lot of healing.  I know that my dad was just in survival when he was sick.  His life was at stake, which meant that he simply wasn’t able to reach out beyond himself and nurture anyone else.  I knew that even then.  There are times when you have to leave your inner child waiting in the car.  It’s not safe to take them into some situations.

 

I do really miss him.  I miss his voice, and his wisdom.  I miss his laughter, and his enthusiasm.  I miss his curiosity.  I miss his smile.  And the sparkle in his eyes.

 

I miss him for Leonard.  I see him in Leonard.

 

So now, I’m ready to deal with the content of those damn computers.  Dinosaurs, they are now.  Machines that haven’t been turned on in at least ten years.  Slow.  Obsolete applications and software.  Floppy disks.  Scuzy cables.  Even a couple of my old computers that he claimed when I was done.

 

When my father passed, it was just too raw, too open.  For a long time.  Then I dreaded getting into his head.  In his life, he was always able to keep track of things, and had a half-assed system to organize the portion of his life’s work kept in these old computers.

 

There are no social security numbers, legal documents or other items embedded in these hard drives.  But there are compositions and their accompanying program notes.  There are love poems written to my mother.  There are song lyrics.  And album credits.  And liner notes.  And letters of recommendation.

 

But we didn’t know any of that.  Because I couldn’t bring myself to start the process.

cbd oils http://cbdoilcreamww.com/# buy cbd oil <a href="http://cbdoilcreamww.com/# ">pure cbd oil </a> cbd capsules

http://cbdoilcreamww.com/# cbd oil online cbd for dogs <a href="http://cbdoilcreamww.com/# ">cbd oil benefits </a> cbd capsules

casino games http://casinoslotsjon.com/# - slots games free best online casino free slots games

http://onlinecasinoweo.com/# free casino slots free <a href="http://onlinecasinoweo.com/# ">cashman casino slots </a> online casino real money

best online casino http://casinoslotsdns.com/# - free online slots vegas casino slots slots online

http://cbdoiltincturesws.com/# cbd oil store http://cbdoiltincturesws.com/# - cbd online <a href="http://cbdoiltincturesws.com/# ">cannabis oil </a>

best cbd oil buy cbd oil medterra cbd <a href="http://cbdoiltincturesws.com/# ">cbd oil for sale </a> cbd gummies walmart

cbd vape cbd oil for sale <a href=" http://cbdoiltincturesws.com/# ">cbd store </a> buy cbd oil http://cbdoiltincturesws.com/# - hemp oil

cbd for sale cbd pure <a href=" http://cbdoiltincturesws.com/# ">cbd gummies walmart </a> buy cbd http://cbdoiltincturesws.com/# - medterra cbd

cbd gummies walmart <a href=" http://cbdoiltincturesws.com/# ">cbd oil store </a> buy hemp oil

http://cbdoilcreamww.com/# cbd tinctures <a href=http://cbdoilcreamww.com/#>cbd pure </a> <a href="http://cbdoilcreamww.com/# ">cannabis oil </a>

cbd online <a href=http://cbdoilcreamww.com/#>cbd capsules </a> hemp oil for pain <a href="http://cbdoilcreamww.com/# ">pure cbd oil </a> cbd for sale

play slots online <a href=" http://casinoslotsjon.com/# ">vegas casino slots </a> online casino games

My gear inguinal 15 and was more met with angina on her conventional and back that selectively got anabolic. http://essaywrsep.com/ paper help

online casino gambling http://casinoslotsdns.com/# - vegas slots online world class casino slots slot games

http://onlinecasinoweo.com/# casino online slots http://onlinecasinoweo.com/# - online casino gambling <a href="http://onlinecasinoweo.com/# ">slots free </a>

http://cbdoilcreamww.com/# hemp cbd oil cbd oil for pain <a href="http://cbdoilcreamww.com/# ">cbd capsules </a> hemp oil

play slots free online slots <a href=" http://onlinecasinostre.com/# ">online casino gambling </a> play online casino http://onlinecasinostre.com/# - casino online slots

http://onlinecasinouse.com/# online slots http://onlinecasinouse.com/# - online gambling <a href="http://onlinecasinouse.com/# ">gold fish casino slots </a>

In a tenacious schooling when I was not exposed in the interest of 40 years and based anatomic to the intestine. <a href="http://tadaok.com/">tadalafil online pharmacy</a> Kfylku wonavj

cbd oils cbd oil online <a href=" http://cbdoiltincturesws.com/# ">cbd tinctures </a> cbd cream http://cbdoiltincturesws.com/# - cbd near me

cbd cream http://cbdoiltincturesws.com/# cbd pills <a href="http://cbdoiltincturesws.com/# ">buy cbd oil online </a> medterra cbd

buy cbd oil online cbd oil benefits <a href="http://cbdoiltincturesws.com/# ">hemp cbd oil </a> cbd hemp

hemp oil hemp oil <a href=" http://cbdoiltincturesws.com/# ">cbd pills </a> cbd drops http://cbdoiltincturesws.com/# - cbd store

free online slots http://casinoslotsjon.com/# best online casinos <a href="http://casinoslotsjon.com/# ">free casino games </a> online casino real money

slots games http://onlinecasinoweo.com/# casino bonus codes <a href="http://onlinecasinoweo.com/# ">play casino </a> vegas slots online

http://casinoslotsdns.com/# slots for real money http://casinoslotsdns.com/# - slot games <a href="http://casinoslotsdns.com/# ">free casino slot games </a>

http://onlinecasinostre.com/# free casino games online free casino games online <a href="http://onlinecasinostre.com/# ">online casino </a> online casino bonus

http://onlinecasinouse.com/# best online casino http://onlinecasinouse.com/# - online casino games <a href="http://onlinecasinouse.com/# ">online casino slots </a>

cbd gummies cannabis oil <a href=" http://cbdoilcreamww.com/# ">hemp cbd </a> cbd oil store <a href=http://cbdoilcreamww.com/#>cbd tinctures </a>

hemp oil <a href=http://cbdoilcreamww.com/#>cbd oil for pain </a> buy cbd medterra cbd

buy cbd oil online <a href=" http://cbdoilcreamww.com/# ">medterra cbd </a> cbd pure

best cbd oil buy cbd oil http://cbdoiltincturesws.com/# cbd products <a href="http://cbdoiltincturesws.com/# ">cbd pure </a> buy cbd

cbd oil online cbd oil online <a href="http://cbdoiltincturesws.com/# ">hemp oil for pain </a> buy hemp oil

hemp oil cbd medic <a href=" http://cbdoiltincturesws.com/# ">cbd </a> cbd pure http://cbdoiltincturesws.com/# - cbd near me

free casino free casino slot games <a href=" http://onlinecasinoweo.com/# ">gold fish casino slots </a> online casinos http://onlinecasinoweo.com/# - casino bonus codes

http://casinoslotsjon.com/# casino game free casino <a href="http://casinoslotsjon.com/# ">no deposit casino </a> casino bonus codes

casino bonus codes play casino <a href="http://casinoslotsdns.com/# ">big fish casino </a> gold fish casino slots

online gambling online casino gambling <a href="http://onlinecasinostre.com/# ">real money casino </a> big fish casino

slots online http://onlinecasinouse.com/# - online slots slots games play casino

cbd online cbd pills <a href=" http://cbdoilcreamww.com/# ">hemp oil </a> cbd oil store <a href=http://cbdoilcreamww.com/#>best cbd oil buy cbd oil </a>

cbd medic http://cbdoiltincturesws.com/# - cbd capsules cbd near me cbd near me

casino slots slots games free <a href=" http://casinoslotsjon.com/# ">casino bonus codes </a> online slots http://casinoslotsjon.com/# - free slots games

http://cbdoiltincturesws.com/# cbd online buy cbd oil <a href="http://cbdoiltincturesws.com/# ">cbd hemp </a> cbd oil online

http://casinoslotsdns.com/# gold fish casino slots http://casinoslotsdns.com/# - online casino real money <a href="http://casinoslotsdns.com/# ">slots for real money </a>

http://cbdoiltincturesws.com/# cbd products http://cbdoiltincturesws.com/# - hemp cbd <a href="http://cbdoiltincturesws.com/# ">cbd pure </a>

cbd gummies <a href=" http://cbdoiltincturesws.com/# ">best cbd oil buy cbd oil </a> buy cbd

http://onlinecasinostre.com/# slots games http://onlinecasinostre.com/# - vegas slots online <a href="http://onlinecasinostre.com/# ">casino game </a>

best online casinos http://onlinecasinouse.com/# - online gambling play online casino slots for real money

http://onlinecasinoweo.com/# gold fish casino slots slots games <a href="http://onlinecasinoweo.com/# ">play online casino </a> free slots

Post new comment

The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly.
Syndicate content